Even as I write this, I realize the people most likely to read it are the people who are least likely to need it. I've had it rambling around in my head for a while now, so I'm going to attempt to get it down on paper (?) and out of my head. Warning: it's likely to be a deeply flawed post. I have a feeling it's going to be hard for me to convey exactly what I'm trying to say.
When I was growing up my family was not exactly P.C. (politically correct). They still aren't to be perfectly honest. It was nothing to hear racial slurs, both said in a mean way and said matter-of-factly. They're equally damaging. In some ways, I understand that my parents are a product of their environment. They grew up in a very rural, very isolated, very white bread not only area, but state. They moved to the south in the mid-sixties and that was not exactly a place of racial tolerance. After I was born we moved to Ohio and my father managed a service station in a very bad, dangerous, minority neighborhood. That experience reinforced every negative stereotype they ever had. Still, it doesn't matter. Wrong is wrong. To this day, the names that I heard growing up spin around in my head at different times. Not that I'm tempted or would ever desire to use them, just in a 'Oh, Dad would say _______." When I see an adorable biracial baby, unfortunately, sometimes a deragatory name pops into my head, like a flashback. Ironically, that term my father always used in a complementary way, he thought bi-racial babies were adorable, but the term is dirty to me just the same. I desperately wish I didn't have this tape recorder that runs in my head. Italians were described one way, chinese another, black people another. There was, it seems, a deragatory term for every group that was different.
Why am I writing about this? Because of the effect. I'm in my early forties, and those horrible voices still whisper in my head. I hate it. I wish I could exorcise them. But I can't. I would never want to use those words, that's NOT what I'm saying. I will never, ever utter those words. My children will never hear those words used in our home. It is the complete opposite of what I teach my children. However, those voices are there, in my head, and they always will be. They're what preclude me treating someone who is "different" the same as I do any other person when I meet them. Those voices. In my case, I treat those people who are new to me but different than me in an artificially polite way. I go overboard, so trying to make sure I don't offend. In doing so, of course, I'm sure I do offend. I desperately wish this wasn't my legacy. Please, please, if you are someone who uses those words, don't. You're not just hurting the people who you aim them at, you hurt your children. You're saddling them with a lifetime of hearing those voices in their head.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
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8 comments:
I second that, OBVIOUSLY!
I grew up in a home where the names were not used. THANKFULLY. But I am raising two black children in a white home and white community. this is a very important topic to me and one that I wish wouldn't be a fact of life.
As if growing up isn't difficult enough. thanks for speaking up...
i have all those words and phrases in my head, too. i do not utter them, but i hate that they appear. and living as the minority now, it gives me a whole new appreciation.
What a powerful, honest post.
My parents never used any derogatory words to speak of, but my grandparents did. And for pretty much the same reasons your parents did. My husband's grandparents? Same thing. And it always breaks my heart.
On the other hand, it encourages me that my kids are totally color blind. They truly are. And if we can just break the cycle here - with them, then the world would be a much better place.
I especially related with you on the over compensating part. I feel like I do that too, and I don't mean to.
what a powerful lesson you've taught with this post.
I think the fact you can still hear these names in your head is actually a good thing. They serve as a powerful reminder how completely wrong it is to use them, and you'll always be aware of how you're raising your children to treat people who aren't the same as you are.
My girls are the ones singled out here... a few white faces in a sea of brown.
They're experiencing now the exact opposite of what you discuss.
I hope they will remember when they grow up.
i cannot get away from this computer this morning, thanks to anymommy's post! :)
my parents both grew up in ohio and there *was* a derogatory name for every ethnic group. but they (my parents) did not use those (horrible, offensive) terms with malicious intent. they themselves are "micks," the italians were "dagos," etc. i've often wondered if the other ethnic groups were offended or if they all of that place and period in time used the same terms. as a teen, i "educated" them. my mother was horrified! to my knowledge, she has gone out of her way (similar to you?) to never use another derogatory label.
also: i wanted to say i look forward to reading your blog, as we have some similarities: my older two children are 21 and 20, while our "surprise" boy is just 3. ah, the adventures!
What a wonderful, honest post. I think the most important thing is that you have broken the cycle. Racism is learned, but you've grown passed your parents thinking and you are not passing it onto your children! I think a lot of us are in that same place - my parents did not talk like this, but my grandparents did. It's a huge step to recognize it and change it!
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