Do you ever have a post just rolling around in your head? I'm guessing if you're a blogger, it's happened to you. This post, I think, is about perspective.
Over the weekend I got upset with Rebekah because of the driving issue. I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall and being a teenager, she was all for it, until I mentioned that she would be driving. She didn't want to go anymore. I explained that I would trade places with her when she got to the busy road the precedes the mall, sparing her not only from driving on that road, but also from having to negotiate the mall parking lot. She's driven two times, once in our minivan, once in Mark's Civic, so she's definitely not experienced and I want to do all I can to encourage her to gain confidence. She started to cry when pressed to explain why she doesn't want to drive. I did not yell at her or anything, but it was obvious I was frustrated with her. We both got absorbed in other activities and basically just took some time away to sort out our feelings. I realized that one of the things that bothers me so much about Rebekah's hesitancy to drive is traced back to Mark's mom. Mark's mother is someone who has always let fear control her life. She won't drive on highways, not just now that she's older, but ever. She won't drive at night. There's a lot of things she won't do, they're all dictated by fear and anxiety and they have greatly impacted the quality of the life she's lived and they impacted the quality of the life her children were able to live. I think that when I see Rebekah's fear and hesitancy, I react (overreact?) with fear of my own that she will limit herself. We have not had any contact with Mark's mom for three and a half years, so it's not like her fears are directly impacting Rebekah, but I realized over the weekend they're impacting
me. I think it's good to recognize that and try to guard against it over-influencing me. At the same time, I think it's a valid concern, and I had a talk with Rebekah. I told her that it worries me to see her being so fearful in situations that I know she is fully capable of handling. I told her that I want to see her believe in herself to be the confident, capable young woman I know she can be. I told her that it's okay to be afraid or nervous, but that you can't let that limit you. You have to take reasonable precautions and be smart, but sometimes you also have to push yourself. Sometimes you can't have confidence until you actually
do something and then the confidence comes, you continue to do things, the confidence builds, and eventually you feel capable. I hope that will have an impact on her. We'll see. Unfortunately, Sunday it snowed all day and we're going to have snow and ice for at least the rest of the week. I'm not going to set her up to fail, so as such an inexperienced driver we will not be letting her drive at all unless the roads are clear and dry. It helped me, and hopefully it will help her, to see that my feelings are about being concerned with much more than just her learning to drive, it's also about how she's going to approach life. Hopefully, she'll think and be able to gain some strength from what we've talked about.
It's funny to me to see how different Rebekah and Jason are. Jason was a teen who could have used more caution in his life. He's always been full speed ahead, full of confidence, the type of person who knows what he wants in life and goes after it. Rebekah, in many ways, is a polar opposite. She is more cautious, deliberate, careful. There are good and bad things to being either way, I'm not saying one is better than the other. It's just amazing to see how two children, raised in the same home by the same parents, can turn out so differently. As a parent, it's very freeing. I can influence my children, I can help guide them, but who they truly are, is bigger than me. I need to remember that. I think too often, especially us mothers, tend to put everything on our shoulders and take responsibility for everything about our children. That's unrealistic. We shouldn't flatter ourselves like that. ;-) Who our children are, who they really are in their souls is determined by something more than who their parents are. We can guide, we can shape, but we need to respect who they are to begin with.
I was having a conversation with my dad the other day and Rebekah's driving came up. I know my dad doesn't understand her hesitancy and fear. He shared with me a story that said one thing to him and something completely different to me. Perspective, I guess, is what makes the difference. He shared with me a memory of when he was 14.
Fourteen. He got up and wanted to go to Sunday School on a Sunday morning. We went outside and slid down the stairs, across the sidewalk and across the street. Everything was covered with ice. It took him a while, but he uncovered his car and got a little uncomfortable with how icy everything was. He went inside and asked his dad to drive him. His dad told him he would, but it would be the last time my dad ever drove until he was old enough to get his license. Furthermore, if he did go and put so much as a scratch on the car, he wouldn't drive again. (There's so much in this story to bother me...where do I begin?) My dad saw this story as a sign of his dad's love and how his toughness made my dad tough and capable. My reaction? Not so much. I felt sorry for my dad, for that fourteen year old boy who turned to his dad for help and definitely didn't get it. I know it's hard for me to relate to the story the way he wanted me to, and I guess that's because I lack the perspective of knowing his dad, knowing the relationship, whatever, but the story really left me horrified and sad. It's funny, my dad told this story in a voice full of love for his father, and I'm thankful that he has memories full of love, but I think there's something else there as well, for my father raised his children in a completely different manner. My father would never have treated me that way. My father would never have been so cold. I remember when I was a new driver, in a hurry to go somewhere, and I backed the car out of the garage, right down the side of the other car in the garage. Yup, ruined the paint on both cars. My father never said a word except be more careful next time. He never raised his voice, he never threatened, that was it, just be more careful. He spoiled, he indulged, he loved. I know my dad loved both his parents fiercely, but I'm very thankful that he was able to be much more loving and gentle with his children.
Perspective according to
dictionary.com: the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship, the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship.
It colors everything we do, doesn't it?
Of course, maybe not so perfect for the birds.
Still, a beautiful snowfall.
A chicken in the pot stewing...pot pie for another day.
Julianna was playing.
It makes me sad that these days are so numbered.
Jacob had a ball with his Pokemon.
He even played outside for a while.
Rebekah worked on a project...more on that another day.
