The *R* word

I almost didn't post about this, not because I don't believe in it, but honestly because it doesn't affect me. By that I don't mean because I don't have a child who is mentally handicapped, but what I do mean is that I do not hear the *R* word in the course of my life. My friends would not use that word, my children would not use that word. Their friends have never used that word, that I've heard.

Still, in the end, I decided it's important. Although plenty of people have said it far better than me, if you use the *R* word, stop. It's hurtful. It's unnecessary. It's not right. If you hear a child use it, correct them. Words do hurt.

I'm Proud to be an American...

I have my cranky pants on, I'll admit that. Tomorrow we head off to kindergarten to celebrate "Me on the Map" Day. Ack! I hate days like this. I hate projects like this.

Our kids are supposed to celebrate their heritage--where they're from, including pictures of when they were little. Um, this is difficult for us. My mother and father's side of the family have been here forever and a day. I know they were from somewhere in western Europe, England, Ireland, and Scotland most likely. I don't know exactly. Not a clue.

My hubby's family? Not a clue there either. We guess Eastern Europe, but really? It's a guess.

Pictures? I don't have pictures of myself or my hubby when we were little...or grown. I don't have pictures of my parents and their siblings, and their parents. Have I mentioned I hate projects like this? Yes, I know I should just let it all go, but I don't. I stew, and grumble, and feel guilty and defensive, and lots of other uncomfortable yucky emotions.

I am so tired of school assignments that want to know where our ancestors came from, when, how, etc. I DON'T KNOW! Sorry if that makes me a bad person, but truly, haven't a clue. The history has been lost long before now. Sorry. It's shameful, I get that, but deal with it. Do I really have to be put in a position where I either make something up, or my kid says no clue? Argh.

Also? We're supposed to share a favorite family recipe of our childs. Now, I'm a pretty decent cook. I have some recipes I cook that would be considered "family" recipes. (Although I still don't have my grandma's Banana Cake recipe...). My grandma's chicken and rice recipe, crockpot "greasy, green beans", noodle pudding and latkes, to name a few. However, Julianna still has the palate of an average 6 year old and wouldn't eat those things unless she was threatened with ...with...well, I don't know what, because I still haven't figured out a way to get her to eat those things. Therefore, we're going with boxed Duncan Hines brownie mix. It's her favorite. The teacher better not say a word.

All right, full disclosure. I know my stress here is self-induced. I'm sure the teacher doesn't expect that complete of a project from every student. I have an image in my mind of what a "good" mother would do, know I can't come anywhere close, and stress and go crazy over it. Still, I fully admit, I wouldn't mind seeing assignments like this disappear off the face of the earth forever. :-)

Pouting

Normally, I would never share this photo. OK, I guess prior to becoming a blogger, I would never have shared this photo. Now? Who knows where my limits are. lol. When I saw the theme this week at iHeartFaces was pouting, well, how could I resist?

Week 12 Theme - “Pouting”
Hosted at I ♥ Faces

Meal Plan #53

Monday--Salmon Patties, wheat noodles, creamed peas
Tuesday--Brats, Potato Pancakes
Wednesday--Bourbon Chicken, rice, sugar snap peas
Thursday--Rebekah's birthday!!! Woohoo. Chicken Gyros w/Tzatziki sauce, Oven-Baked Potato Chips, Fruit, Yellow cake w/chocolate frosting and sprinkle balls, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream
Friday--Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup, Honey Wheat Rolls or Farm Country Multi-Grain Bread, rice pudding
Saturday lunch--pot luck
Saturday dinner--Linguini w/Shrimp Scampi for Mark, Jacob and I, salmon for the girls; caesar salad
Sunday lunch--out
Sunday dinner--leftovers

This will be a good, but busy week. Rebekah's birthday is Thursday. I can't even believe that. 17. Wow.

Spring Break begins Friday. Unfortunately, Mark's scheduled for an endoscopy on Friday, so that day will not bring any fun. Then, Saturday Rebekah takes the ACT. Do we know how to party, or what?

Hopefully, Spring Break will be a lot more fun come Saturday afternoon. :-)

Hope you all have a good week. Check out more meal plans.

This week...

*Sigh* It really doesn't get much better than this.

Jason, Lori, Matt & Lily were in town for a few days during their Spring Break. We had a wonderful time. My Mom and Dad came up Saturday to celebrate Mom's birthday, finally, and their wedding Anniversary. We had a really nice time.

Happy Spring Everyone!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Reflections

This is actually my favorite. There's something so universal about a kid looking at their reflection in the water.

I forgot to ask her, but I have a feeling this would be Rebekah's favorite. It turned out pretty neat. It's not upside down, it's the water reflecting on a bridge above. She did a great job.

For this week's You Capture, I turned the camera over to Rebekah. I think she did a great job with the Reflections theme.

WW My Greatest Wish

So happy together :-)

I think ultimately, one of my greatest wishes for each of my children is for them to find someone to share their lives with. Someone who is truly a life partner. I have been lucky enough to have that in my life, and it makes me very happy to see that in Jason and Lori.

One down, three to go...

Check out more wordless wednesday

2 Recipes too good to miss...

We had a wonderful weekend, my parents and Jason, Lori, Matt and Lily were here. I'll be posting more about that later, but I wanted to share two recipes I tried that were tremendous successes.

The first, Baker's German Chocolate Cake Recipe was everything you would want a German Chocolate Cake to be. It was moister than most German Chocolate Cakes, had good depth of flavor, and a wonderful, sweet, chewy frosting; with plenty of it. My dad's favorite cake is German Chocolate, baked in a 13x9 pan. You might remember when I make him a German Chocolate Cake last year for his birthday. Well, that cake took hours and hours, cost almost $40, and was good--not bad, but certainly not knock your socks off, wow this is the most delicious thing I've ever eaten, who cares what it cost or how long it took to make, great. It's taken me a while to admit that, even to myself. When you put that much into a cake, you have pretty high expectations.

Anyway, I wanted to make him another cake for the weekend, but I learned with my dad simpler is better, so I searched the internet and found a promising recipe on Kraft foods' website. I can honestly say I'll never make German Chocolate Cake any other way again. I've always heard from scratch cakes are much better than mixes, but I've still pretty much stuck to mixes. This has changed my mind. It's that good. It's easy, relatively inexpensive, especially compared to a $40 cake!!!, and it was enjoyed by all who tried it. So good I wanted to tell you about it.

The second recipe, Amazing Overnight Waffles, from The New York Times Country Weekend Cookbook, was also a clear winner. The waffles were delicious, light and crispy, but the thing I liked most about them was that I could make them the night before. In the morning, all I had to do was melt some better, lightly beat an egg, and combine it with the previous evening's batter. Another plus? The batter sits on the counter overnight, so I didn't have to struggle to make room in a company-crowded refrigerator. Making brunch the next morning was nice and easy, which is a real bonus when you have guests. I'll definitely be making these again also.

Meal Plan #52

Wow! I can't believe I've been meal planning online for a year. That's crazy. Mostly I like doing it online, it helps me keep track of what I'm making, it's convenient to pull recipes off the web and incorporate them into my meal plan. One of the downsides, for me, is that I've gotten into the very lazy habit of not transposing new recipes into my recipe book. One of these days that's going to come back and bite me when I can no longer access a recipe. I vow to do better. ..hopefully. :-)

This week, my oldest is on Spring Break so they'll be in town visiting. Yeah! It will be fun to spend time with Jason and Lori, as well as Lily and Matthew. The whole week will just seem that much more special. My mom and dad will also be in to spend Saturday evening and Sunday morning with us too.

Monday (Jason, Matt & Lily): Maple-Glazed Salmon, pineapple salsa, rice, asparagus
Tuesday: (Mom's night--woohoo!)
Wednesday (We're babysitting Matt & Lily so Jason & Lori can have a night out): Chicken Gyros w/ oven fries and fresh fruit
Thursday: Johnny Marzetti, salad, garlic bread

Pancake Day

Our community does a Pancake breakfast fundraiser every year. The two high schools work together to raise money for the athletics departments. One of the things that makes this fundraiser so successful is that they have all kinds of groups come in and perform. Of course their proud parents want to watch them perform, so we gladly (?) pay the price of admission and come watch our kids. A genius fundraiser, really.

This year we had a lot of fun watching the Jazz Band Rebekah's a part of perform. Rebekah had a couple of solos, and did a great job. It's so fun to watch her blossoming, she's really coming into her own this year. I'm really, really proud of her. I'm so lucky I get to be her Mom.

P.S. I won't hold my breath waiting for the athletics departments to help with any music department fundraisers.

P.P.S. Sorry for the cruddy picture quality. I don't know why they didn't turn out very well, I'm definitely still learning.



Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

You Learn Something New Everyday...*sigh*

I learned something about myself recently.

I left that sentence all by itself because I think it's pretty profound. When you're 42, you don't expect to still be learning things about yourself...or maybe that's just me. I thought I had myself all figured out, I thought I was pretty simple, but it turns out I'm not. What I discovered makes me uncomfortable. It's not a very pretty truth. Maybe that's why it took me so long to figure it out. Maybe when there's something less than flattering about yourself you just bury it and work to keep it buried. The thing is? This thing I discovered? I'm not proud of it, it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know that I really want to change it. I feel like I need to keep this truth about myself. I need it for my sanity...literally to keep myself together.

In many ways, I had a very privileged childhood. That is a truth about myself. I was lucky in many, many ways that many other people are not. I know that is true. I had (and have) parents that love me very much. I had just about any material possession I could have wanted. (I never did get that pony though, although I did take horseback riding lessons. ;-) ) I know in many ways I was very lucky. I am not disputing any of that.

Still, in my house, when I was growing up, there were many things that were going wrong, and they shaped me. I've always known that to be true, but I guess I haven't really thought too deeply about the many ways that is true. I've always considered myself to be a forward-thinking person. I don't tend to dwell on the past. I tell myself I forgive past mistakes, try my best not to repeat those mistakes, and move forward, all the while knowing I'm making my own mistakes. Unfortunately, that's just how life is. I thought I was a pretty healthy person. Now, I'm not so sure.

There's a person in my life that I would like to be closer to. However, this person has their own baggage in their life. Baggage they've dealt with in a different way than I have mine. They have a child who is very different from my children. This child, because of circumstances in her life, as well as because of her father and mother, has had a more difficult road than my children. This child is very different. This child looks different than my sense of what "normal" looks like--not because of physical attributes, but in ways that they've chosen to look. It makes me uncomfortable. It's too far outside my comfort zone. I say that with no pride. I think it reflects badly upon me that I would judge someone that way, but there it is. This child has struggled with behavior issues, drugs, drinking. I know some of the "whys" of this behavior, but they don't matter. I am uncomfortable with even the thought of her. I shy away. It keeps me from being too involved. It keeps me from developing the relationship I would like to have, the relationship I "should" have with her mother. It's tempting for me to say there's nothing I can do about that, but I know that's not honest. If I force myself to be honest, I'll admit there's nothing I want to do about it. Not enough to take the chance anyway. I feel like I healed the scars from when I was younger. I cannot go back to that place again. I truly feel like I can't go back. My health and well-being depends on it.

This child has had violent tendencies in the past. How much, how violent, the truths of it, I don't know. But, I know enough to know it terrifies me. It's too close to home. There's a place, locked inside of me, where I still vividly feel the fear that my brother would kill my parents. A real fear. There's a place where I still feel the fear that my brother would hurt one of my kids. There's a place inside of me where I hold the fear that my brother would hurt my world. My brother is dead, but I can't bring myself to be around other people who bring out that fear. My brother was not an evil person. Still, he had demons, and those demons did not just affect him, they affected all of us.

That's one of the revelations I've had recently. My scars affect my life more than I knew. Not a comfortable realization. I keep my distance from someone I want in my life, and should have in my life, because I want stability more. This person needs people in her life. I'm too selfish to make the effort. I sit on the sidelines, acting as supportive as I can, but putting up barriers if it gets too close. It makes me cry to know that about myself. How will this fear manifest itself down the road in my life? I don't know.

I know this is a lot to put out there. Maybe more than anyone who pops by for an occasional photo or recipe wants to know. Part of this blog however, is for me, a chronicle of my life, a diary of sorts. If you've read me for a while, you know from time to time I work through difficult things I'm struggling with on this blog. This is my attempt to do that. I don't even know if it makes sense to any one else. I don't know if any one can relate or not. I don't know if it will make anyone think so much less of me they'd rather not come by here anymore. If so, I'm sorry. I understood that was a risk I was taking by putting this out there. I just felt like I really wanted to take this moment to acknowledge this new-found realization.

Shadows

This week's assignment was shadows. It was quite a challenge for me...finding the time to do it when I'd be able to capture shadows. I thought I wasn't going to be able to participate. Finally, this morning when we were frantically running out the door, I yelled to the kids to strike a pose--hence, here are three of my favorite shadows. I was pleasantly surprised how this turned out. Check out I Should Be Folding Laundry for other You Capture Shadow pics.

Meal Plan #51

This is what we're having for dinner this week. Hope you have a yummy week too. :-) I'm definitely still on an emotional high...here's hoping I can hold onto it for a long, long time.

Monday: French Toast
Tuesday: Corned Beef and Cabbage, parsleyed new potatoes
Wednesday: Oven Barbecued Ribs, Fried Rice, Bok Choy Stir Fry
Thursday: Salmon Patties, wheat noodles, creamed peas
Friday: Pizza (Mark's been anxiously waiting for this night. lol)

Check out other meal plans.

Ying/Yang

My girl just got home from some band function or another. She's back in her room calling friends, trying to arrange a last minute get together with friends. I think constantly anymore about how much I'm going to miss her. It's a dichotomy--I worry a lot about whether or not we'll be able to find a way to send her away to school, at the same time my heart doesn't know how I'll bear not having her here.

Even though she's often gone with some activity or another, even though when she's here she's often with a group of friends and not so much with us anymore, my heart literally aches with the thought of not having her here anymore.

Come what may, I'm really going to miss this moment...exactly where we're at, at this juncture in time. Life with my 16, 8 and 6 year olds at home is pretty perfect.

Check out other You're Gonna Miss This Moments

Pi Day

Happy Pi Day!!! Enjoy some Pi!!!

And then the world just stood still...

Edited: I'm writing this post, almost as a diary of sorts. I won't be posting it until the day of my follow-ups. The perils of having people you know read your blog. However this turns out for me, please get your mammograms...on time, every year. It's haunting me that almost two years have passed since my last one.

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Tuesday, March 10, 10:30 AM

It's not a good feeling when the mammogram technician is standing in front of the screen and she tells you not to be alarmed or surprised if they call you back, it happens all the time...etc., etc.

If she hadn't been standing in front of the screen staring at a particular image when it occurred to her to mention it, I probably wouldn't have thought much about it. Still, the way she did it, the way it happened, gave me pause.

When I got a shower this morning, I remember exhaling a bit and feeling a sense of relief. My mammogram was last Monday. I remember thinking if anything questionable had shown up, surely I would have heard by now...they rush things like that.

It seems I exhaled a bit too soon. I was talking on the phone this morning when someone beeped in. I didn't answer, figured I'd get the message later. Then, my cell phone rang. I always answer then, I thought maybe it was someone from school needing to talk to me.

Nope. Seems there's something questionable in my right breast. I need to have a follow up, more detailed mammogram on Friday, immediately followed by a diagnostic ultrasound.

I'm not overly superstitious, but it's bugging me a bit that my tests are being done on Friday the 13th.

If this were happening to a friend of mine, I would remind her this happens all the time, it doesn't mean anything. Most likely everything's fine. For some reason, I'm just not finding that comforting right now.

It's very sweet, but also disconcerting how shook up Mark is. Not long ago, I found him crying. We've been everything to each other for so long, it's impossible to imagine anything different.

Conversely, I'm surprised by how calm I am. Most of the time I'm just going about my normal routine, my thoughts are usually positive, I'm doing all right. Once in a while, it gets to me and my mind starts going down the what if road. I try to reign it in. One step at a time, one day at a time. Whatever comes, I'll deal with it. One of the worst things I keep thinking about is contemplating telling my parents, who have lost two of their children, and telling my kids. That's definitely something I'm trying now to think about too much...

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Wednesday, thoughts...
I spent all day yesterday copping feels of my right breast, thankfully the need to do that seems to have passed.

I'm thinking I wish I hadn't told Mark until I had the further tests done.

Originally I had my mammogram done at a facility not related to where my doctor practices. At the advice of my doctor's nurse, I'm having my follow ups done somewhere she can practice. The original facility is not liking this and trying to make me jump though hoops. Hoping I'll give in and just change my mind and stay with them???

The Today Show did a report on risk factors for breast cancer. Feeling guilty for the ones I match. Resent having that on my shoulders.

later...
I'm spending way too much time with Dr. Google. Still, a lot of the information I've found is reassuring. I'm feeling fairly confident this will turn out to not be cancer.

Positive news...there's an 80% chance this is nothing, a 6mm nodule is very small. I'm greedy. I'm not so thrilled with the idea that there's a 20% chance I have cancer and a half inch something in my breast.

Well, I put that question to the breast health nurse at the facility I'll be using. She's wonderful, by the way, every center should have one. I called with my questions, was able to push a number to talk with a nurse, a real live nurse, and then she was actually helpful. Very. She talked as long as I wanted. Was familiar with what's going on. Told me what to expect and what the timetable would be. What my odds are--very good, by the way. She also told me the radiologists won't spare my feelings, they tell it like it is. By the time I leave the facility Friday I'll have a pretty good idea of where things stand. That sounds good to me. I feel much, much better. The only thing I don't feel good about? It's a 'compression' mammogram. Um, more compressed than a normal mammogram. The normal one hurt, I'm really leery of this one. Oh well.

Well, Rebekah now knows, and since she knows, I told Jason. They're both doing fine, at least as far as I can tell. We have a small house, there were a flurry of phone calls back and forth about films, appointments, etc. Rebekah overheard and I filled her in so as not to worry her with whatever her imagination came up with.

I feel as though I want to add an asterisk to everything.
Mom, can so and so come over next week. Yes*
Is next weekend a good time for us to come over? Yes*
Will you work on this committee? Yes*
I feel like I can't make firm plans for anything.

My fuse is shorter...I guess I am a bit stressed. ;-)

It really bothers me that Mark is completely overwhelmed with stress--a good deal of it about me. His chest hurts, he has indigestion. What will he ever do if it does turn out to be something bad?

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Thursday
I continue to feel optimistic. I'm not looking forward to the mammogram tomorrow, but only because I'm leery it's going to hurt. Even if it does, I know it won't be for long, and I am looking forward to getting it over with. I've learned some things in this journey. I have had three mammograms in my life, all at a different facility. I was going to go back to the place I had my last one taken for this years', but then I got a certificate in the mail offering me a free manicure if I had one at a different facility. Not knowing any better, I went to the new facility. That in and of itself it fine, however I have learned you're better off staying with one center. For whatever reason, the facility doing my follow up testing tomorrow wants my old films. I called the center where they should be, and after a few stressful phone calls of several days, I've learned they've 'misplaced' them. Grrrr. That really bothers me. Still, there's nothing I can do about it, but I will be sticking with the place I'm going tomorrow from now on. Lesson learned, don't mammogram hop. Radiologists like to do comparisons with previous years films and I will feel better sticking with one facility.

Another thing I've learned? Lots and lots of women go through this, the vast majority with good news at the end of the journey, just like I'm expecting. I hope sometime soon we get better screening processes for breast cancer.

Another lesson? I've always sort of felt like cancer was out of our control, not much we can do about it. I'm not sure if I still believe that. Most of me does, but I find myself more committed to buying organic when I can. Furthermore, I'm going to cut way back on the amount of red meat we eat...at least I'm going to try. :-) I'm not sure the organics will make much difference with Mark and I because we've had forty years of eating chemicals, hormones and pesticides. I don't even know if it will make a difference to our kids, but in the event, God forbid, any of them were ever dealing with a serious diagnosis, I don't want to wonder if it would have made a difference. Isn't it crazy, just crazy, that in the United States, one of the richest nations in the world, we have grocery stores where we can go to with the purpose of buying food without all the crap added to it? Shouldn't all of our food be like that? I've been shopping at Whole Foods more and more lately. It is expensive, and I can't always afford to shop there, but I feel good about every single thing I buy there. Maybe that's naive. Maybe it doesn't make a bit of difference. I do know however, that the produce looks better and tastes better than much of what I can get at my local grocery store. The meat also tastes better, so does the milk. All in my head? I really don't think so. Anyway, the good feeling of what I'm buying and preparing to serve my family is worth something.

The final lesson? I'm going to start exercising, in one form or another, for at least 30 minutes 4 times a week. Enough? Probably not. Still, it's a good start.

Late Thursday...
Julianna and Jacob are doing some things in school for Pennies for Patients. They're raising money and reading stories and watching Charlie Brown videos and learning a lot about cancer. In fact, all Julianna's wanted to talk about today is cancer...why does your hair fall out? why do people get it? why do you get shots? why, why, why? Any other time it wouldn't bother me, today it's not something I want to discuss over and over and over again.

OK, one more lesson...don't share with anyone until you know more. :-) I appreciate that my son, my best friend, my hubby are all concerned, but they're really starting to make me nervous.

************************************************************************************
All's good!!! Thank God!!! It's a benign cyst. No follow-up needed. I was really nervous for a while there, but at least it all was good in the end. I'm off to have a wonderful weekend. Hope you all have a good one too, and seriously, when you're old enough, get your mammograms!

Through Julianna's Eyes...

When Julianna and I recently went to the zoo, we each had a camera. I previously posted some of the ones I took that I really enjoyed, I had a lot of fun going through hers though. I think they merit their own PhotoStory Friday. It was a neat to look back and see things through her eyes. I know I'm her mom, and I'm biased, but I think these are really good.

She is 6 though, we had plenty of pictures of these too. :-)

I have no idea why, but she was fascinated with the garbage cans.

Happy Weekend!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Texture

This week's challenge for You Capture was about texture. I enjoyed playing around with this. I probably would have enjoyed it more if I could figure out how to make the macro setting on my camera work. I have a Nikon d80. I love my camera, but I don't know a lot about making it work. Anyway, I set up my shot, put my camera on the macro setting, push the button and...nothing. The camera won't take the picture. I have to get farther away before I can take the picture, so what's the point of a macro setting? When I try to take it off the auto setting I can't get it to focus. If any one has any words of advice, I'm all ears.

Anyway, I did my best with these pictures. I shot as close as I could, then used the crop feature of my editing software to get the look I was after. I loved these varying textures.

It's funny, I meant for this one to be about the freckles, but it's his eyebrows that really jump out at me. Little man eyebrows.

I had a lot of fun, and had a difficult time deciding which photos to post. I think my favorite turned out to be the one of Lily's hand. I love all the little textures you can see there.

Ack! Shadows next week, I think that one's going to be a tad more difficult. :-)