Normal Day

Have you noticed the new quote at the top of my blog? Don't worry if you haven't, it's the type of thing I wouldn't necessarily notice on yours either. Lately, I'm really struggling with our lives. We work so hard. We try so hard to do the right things, and lately it feels like it's just not enough. Lately it feels like we're doing nothing right, or treading water, or even moving backward and everyone else has figured out the answer to some secret and we're just not privy to it. *sigh* Lately, life's a bit of a struggle.

Today I woke up at 4:00 in the morning. Yes, while every normal person is having trouble waking up, thanks to the time change, I'm still waking up at ridiculous hours.

As I lay in bed, trying hard not to wake up anyone else, things just ran through my mind...stressing over the fact that our health savings account is empty and we have prescriptions to order, $400; doctor bills to pay; physical therapy bills to pay; Rebekah needs contacts and glasses; Jacob needs a cavity filled; the insurance denied part of the kid's last dentist visits...whoever thinks high deductible health insurance plans are the answer to the insurance mess is out of their mind. Our family pays almost $500.00 a month for health insurance. For that we have zero coverage until we pay our deductibles--$6000.00 per person. It's almost the same thing as not having insurance, unless, God forbid, something catastrophic happens. Also, you know how you read all those fantastic tips about asking doctors, hospitals, etc., to reduce the bill in exchange for full payment? Well, any office I've asked says that because we do have insurance, not helpful though it may be, they will not reduce bills.

My parents are having problems. Water in their house. I can relate. My mom's having some issues too with their health. I hate that the reality of our lives is that I'm not really close enough to help them, to be there for them.

My mind moved on...it's Tuesday. Piano day. That means I need to make two dinners today. I'm making corned beef and cabbage for us and Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti casserole for the teacher and her family. I need to work out the timing of that. Also, making grasshopper pie, so I need to get going on that first thing...Passover starts March 30. That's a Tuesday. I'm going to have to get organized so I can pull of Seder on my craziest day of the week, not to mention make the piano teacher's meal a day ahead or I'm going to be completely overwhelmed that day.

I tried to roll over and go back to sleep. Ouch! For some reason my breasts are killing me. This is starting to happen every month and I can't figure out why. I'm on the pill, shouldn't that eliminate things like this. I hurt like I did when I was breastfeeding and it had been a while since the baby ate. Not normal, but nothing I'm ready to go to the doctor about either. Dr. Google's not too alarming on it so I'll wait for my next appointment.

Thought about the literal mountains of laundry I have to work on. Why is that I can't seem to make real progress on it? I used to be able to "catch up" with laundry. Now that's a completely foreign concept.

Moving on again...I start watching a new child today. At first I said no. It's two days a week, at the most insane part of my day, 2:30-4:30, so it won't be a lot of money. Didn't seem worth the insantiy. Then, we found out someone hit Mark's car so we have to pay a deductible to have his passenger side fixed. Also, I mentioned a while back he had spun out on the highway, well my guess is he knocked the car out of alignment. Instead of having it looked at then, he decided he was just paranoid and kept driving it. Well, weeks later, he finally took it in. Yup, it needed aligned and now the fairly new tires are ruined. Between that and the deductible we're out $900.00. Saying no to any job no longer feels like I luxury I can afford.

I got smart and gave up on sleep, got up, got ready for my day. Started the grasshopper pies. The baby I watch came. He's having a hard time adjusting to the time change too. Completely understandable but it's tough to get the day off to a good start with a baby who cries and cries. Loudly. I woke Jacob and Julianna. They grumped a bit, they don't enjoy this time change either. Get them going with showers, back to finish the pies, have to make lunches, we're running late, and Julianna asks for pancakes. Grrr. Unfortunately that led to me yelling and stomping and acting like an idiot just because I was feeling completely stressed and overwhelmed. I yelled at Jacob because he doesn't pour his own cereal. I yelled at him for things that had nothing to do with the moment. I yelled at Julianna. Great, forget the crying baby. I'm not a great way to get the morning started. I calmed down, apologized to both of them, explained that I was feeling really stressed, that it wasn't their fault, that I shouldn't have agreed to make pancakes if I didn't have the time to do it. Tried to fix things as best I could, although if you've ever yelled at your kids irrationally you know you can't really fix that.

Did the things I had to do. Finished the pies. Made the lunches. Made the pancakes. Took the kids to school. Put the baby down for a nap. Walked away from the kitchen that now looks like a bomb hit it. Opened my laptop, found a note from a blog friend, and determined to take a breath, stop worrying, stop looking so far ahead, and just try to appreciate this normal day--for all that it is, good and bad.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are…
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in my pillow,
or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky
and want, more than all the world, your return.
Mary Jean Iron