What I Want to Say,..

1. Don't ever say to me again, "someday I'll tell you everything and then you'll know, you're feelings will change, you'll understand, etc., etc., etc." I am well aware that there are issues, problems, secrets in my family. I get that. In some ways, I grew up with a lot of dysfunction. I get that too. I know there are things I don't know. Here's the thing, being filled in does not interest me. I have done my best with the knowledge I had at the time. The relationships I have I've worked hard for and honestly, I treasure. I know sometimes you get consumed with jealousy? hate? whatever, and want to spill your guts and change things. The thing is what you cannot tell me is context, and without context, what does any of it really mean anyway? I can't step back in time and see all sides and judge for myself what was going on, so I have no interest in the truth from your point of view. Please don't ever tell me (threaten me?) with "someday" again. Sadly, this one applies to more than one person in my family.
2. We are not close. I don't know why. It's not an age difference, it's a lot more than that. Basically we are two very, very different people. We have different priorities, we have different values, we are too different. Sometimes, siblings overcome their differences because they have the strong foundation of their upbringing to bring them together. We do not. Due to circumstances beyond all of our controls, our past is not something we can build on. Actually, our past is something we would have to overcome and our differences simply preclude that from ever happening. I do not understand the choices you make in your life. I cannot relate to your life. I do not truly know you and I am coming to grips with understanding that for a whole variety of reasons, it feels more comfortable to leave things that way. I'm sorry if that hurts you. Truly. I do not want to cause you pain, but I am starting to understand that there is still a very little girl inside me that is desperate to be "safe", and that feeling dominates the choices that I make and have made in my life. I'm learning that I do not want to change that. There are consequences to that, of course, but that's where I'm at right now. For now, it feels safer to me to keep you at the edge of my life. It's huge for me to admit that. Again, I'm sorry if that causes you pain. I've worked very, very hard to have the life that I have, and I don't handle chaos and drama well. I'm going to be true to myself and admit that, and give myself permission to be that way. I don't say any of this with pride. Believe it or not, I realize it's a pretty severe short-coming in my character. I wish it were different, but I'm honest enough to acknowledge that I obviously don't wish it was different enough to make it different. Sad, but true.
3. You can love someone even while acknowledging their flaws. I do not think your perceptions about people are wrong, I'm just operating under a different set of assumptions and expectations. I know I am and will be a flawed parent. I'm willing to accept that my parents did their best with what they had, that they made mistakes, but never with bad intentions. I forgive them their flaws and I pray that my children will forgive me mine. Why can I not give you that same benefit of the doubt? I don't know. I tell myself I do, but the distance between us speaks to a different truth. As I struggle with this, the only answer that seems clear to me comes again to a lack of a foundation of closeness combined with a fear of chaos. I'm sorry about that, but again, the fear is bigger than the desire to change things.
4. I guess I resent you, in some ways. I resent that when I see your name in my email box, or your number in my caller ID, my heart lurches. I have to steel myself to open the email, answer the phone. I've come to expect chaos from you, and as I've said, that scares me. No, scares is really not strong enough, it paralyzes me. Do you know how many family vacations you're ruined? I remember walking to the only pay phone at the campground during one precious family vacation, spending way too much time on the phone, trying to console you, worrying, worrying, worrying about what was coming, how it would impact everyone...endlessly worrying, endless chaos. I remember sitting in a hotel in Gatlinburg, on the phone for hours, literally hours, missing my family, missing interacting with my family, impacting what they could do for fear of disturbing an obviously difficult phone call. One call or email from you can send me into a tailspin for days, sometimes weeks, as I deal with old hurts, old fears, old feelings over and over again. The problem is, there are no answers to those feelings, fears, hurts, problems, so they just torture me until I'm able to put them back in their box and move ahead with my life again. I don't want to keep doing that. I don't want to live my life that way. I want peace and order and calmness. I want the life I've worked so hard to build.
   

I don't know how to end this. My stomach is in knots just typing this and reliving all the emotions you bring yet again. I crave the happy ending that brings us one big happy family where we're all good for each other and there for each other and my kids can have the Normal Rockwell family they so desire and deserve. My heart wants that, but my wiser (?) head knows that's not in our future and the best I can do is the best I can do, and for me, at least at this point in my life, that means concentrating on my family, my children, their present, their futures. I'm truly sorry.