Learning...

Our weekend was wonderful. Some great things happened, some awful things happened, but it was still wonderful. Rebekah was home, so that was really, really nice. Mark was (still) sick so that was not nice. Mark was attacked by yellow jackets so that was really, really awful.

Why wonderful? Welllll, I learned this weekend to stop apologizing for our family. You see, once upon a time, I was very proud of our family and the choices Mark and I had made. Once upon a time I knew without a doubt that we had made good choices. Once upon a time, I knew it didn't matter what our bank balance was, it mattered that we were raising good people surrounded by love. Once upon a time I was very, very smart.

Ironically, blogging eroded that.

Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that our family was different. "Different" being code word for strange. Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that because I hadn't finished college and established a career there wasn't value in the choice to be at home raising my children, that it was somehow a default, therefore not worthy. Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that the only thing of value was our bank balance, retirement accounts, size of our house, etc., and that everything else came last. Somewhere along the way, I bought into a load of crap, and I can't even explain how it happened.

And then, this weekend happened.

This weekend, I remembered that it may not been exactly what I would have planned, it's truly a wonderful plan, for us, to have our children exactly as they are. I love having a 26 year old, an 18 year old, a 10 year old, and an 8 year old. Truly, I wouldn't change a thing if I could. My kids are closer than many siblings and I feel as though I've given my kids the greatest gift I could have, they know they are loved, not only by Mark and I (although, unfortunately that's a gift that not all kids receive), but also fiercely by each other.

This weekend where my oldest drove to school to pick up his sister not just because Mark and I were working, but because he wanted to. This weekend he chose to take his little sister to a concert and to spend time with her, not because he had to, but because he wanted to. This weekend I got to witness how much love there is between the two of them and when you see that, you know you did something right.

This weekend Jacob and Julianna spent hours together playing play-doh. Imagining, creating, having fun together, arguing free, just enjoying each other. Again, when you see that, you can feel you did something right. (Even if those moments are not exactly everyday.)

This weekend I began to see my family again. These weekend I found my pride again. This weekend I realized (remembered?) that even if it never gets better than this, this is pretty damn good and a lot to be proud of, and way more than a lot of people ever have. This weekend my eyes were opened to how wonderful my children are, what good people they are, how successful they are in every way that counts. This weekend, I relished in how much I love my hubby, I enjoy sharing my life with him, and even when he drives me absolutely crazy, I love knowing he's always there and I love counting on our life together.

This weekend, I think, I got my mojo back.