Mean Girls

Tonight we went to a special event at our pool. Julianna was excited to see two little girls from her scout troop there. Jacob had brought a friend and she was thrilled when she saw her friends there too. She went up to them and asked if she could play. One little girl said something, Julianna went away, the two girls got out and went to another pool.

I asked Julianna why she didn't go with them. "So-and-so said I couldn't play."

No, she didn't, I told her. I was sure that couldn't be possible and furthermore I also would have sworn I heard the little girl say yes.

Julianna brightened up immediately and ran after them to play with them.

One of the little girls turned around and very nastily made it perfectly clear that she was.not.welcome. to play with them.

Julianna was beyond devastated. She sobbed and sobbed.

I was absolutely incredulous. I don't really know why. Once I sat back and thought about it I realized I've seen this little girl do similar things in the past. I've seen her be intentionally cruel to other girls, she's even done the exact same thing to Julianna before, I've just never witnessed it so directly before. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed something was missing, that she hadn't been that cruel.

Never again.

She has absolutely no problem hurting other people's feelings. It really doesn't phase her.

It's beyond hard as a mommy to see our kids hurting, and I certainly hate it as much as anyone; but I will take every time having my seven year old daughter hurt and feeling devastated to having my daughter being the one who has no problem hurting others.

News

I didn't get the job. I'm starting to feel very desperate and I have no idea what to do. I know that somehow this will all work out; but how, is very, very difficult to see right now.

Thanks for your good thoughts. I really thought this was going to turn out differently.

So, how's it going?

I'm writing this update Sunday night, yet I won't publish it until I weigh in on Monday morning. I think that's fitting, because the changes that I'm making are about more than just the numbers on the scale to me.

I had a good week.

I kept a food diary everyday, every bit of food I ate. I exercised 5 times this week. It's been a long, long time since that happened. Too long.

I made decisions that I'm proud of. I made healthier choices and managed to eat in ways that left me feeling satisfied, even occasionally treated. I'm definitely not dieting, I'm trying to find my way back to normal, healthy, eating. Eating what I want, eating what my body needs and not eating too much. I ate two Reeses cups this week and knew it wasn't a big deal. And it wasn't. When I wanted something like that, my biggest strategy of the week was to try and ascertain exactly what treat it was calling my name, and if possible, to have it. That way I didn't eat a ton of other junk trying to avoid what it was I really wanted.

It was an extremely stressful week around here. The first paycheck of our new reality was a shock. A very unwelcome, scary, pull-the-rug right out from under us shock. It honestly left me frightened, and it was very tempting to throw lifestyle changes to the wind. I need to find a job. There's no longer the possibility of us saving any money at all, and we are literally one or two crisis' away from being in very big trouble. Hopefully my interview tomorrow will go well. That will enable me to at least feel confident we can meet our bills.

Right on cue our A/C went out. Hopefully, knocking on wood, it's fixed, and at a price we can find a way to afford. The bad news is that it may not really be fixed. It could break again an hour from now, or years from now, and it's not going to be possible for us to have it fixed again. Now I know plenty of people live without A/C, and we can too, it's not really about that. It's about feeling as if our safety net is gone.

I'm proud of myself that, for this week, no matter what else was going on, I found a way of living that is healthy. In the past, when life got really hard, I not only felt incapable of sticking with changes, I also found myself turning to food for comfort. This week I conquered both those issues.

I'm not under any illusions that this will be easy. Sooner or later it's going to get really old. Sooner or later, I'm going to get tired of exercising or it's going to feel really difficult to find time again or I'm going to want to stop thinking about healthy eating. Sooner or later, and in those words are, for me, I think the key. I'm not looking that far down the road right now. I'm thinking about the things I can change now. I'm drawing from the positive results I'm achieving and using that to fuel further changes.

For the first time in an incredibly long time, I'm beginning to believe in myself again, I'm beginning to believe that I can really do this, and that feeling is truly worth everything.

Update: I lost 8 lbs. Now, I don't really believe I lost 8 lbs. in a week. Still, I'm done 8 lbs. from where I was in the doctor's office last Monday morning, and I'm definitely down 8 lbs. from where I've been the last few weeks. So, I'm excited and motivated. I just don't want to get all caught up in the whole 8 lbs. thing because I know that this week it's more likely I'll lose a pound or two and that needs to be okay.

Worked out in the gym this morning. Also this morning I noticed that exercise is becoming a priority. As in I find myself looking at my day or the days ahead to figure out when I can fit it in and then rearranging things to make it happen. A good milestone.

I don't even know what to say to this one...

So, it's nice to know after 26 years of being a mom, they can still stump me once in a while.

Julianna, like a lot of kids, loves to delay bedtime. We read stories, I tuck them in, sing a song, let them read for a while. I've come to expect that she will then get up to go to the bathroom, sometimes multiple times, and come out to the living room with some problem or another. Always, without fail, just a ridiculous excuse to delay.

I get it. It's what kids do. Usually it just rolls off my back.

But tonight? Insanity!!!

Lights out for Julianna was 8:45. I know she's tired. She's been attending girl scout day camp all week, it's hotter and muggier than h***, and I KNOW she's tired. However, we had Jason, Lori and the kids to dinner, so she's a little more keyed up than usual.

She just got up (again). It's 9:10. She went to the bathroom, then came out to the living room whining and rubbing her eyes, to explain her *problem*. Mommy? I just don't know what to do...you see I'm...I'm really drowsy. I just feel super tired for some reason.

!!!!!!!!

I was proud of myself. I gritted my teeth and explained she really needed to get back to her bed, RIGHT NOW, and not come out again.

Seriously? Next time be a little less transparent about making up bedtime issues please.

Today

We're celebrating Lori's birthday belatedly today. It's so fun that they live nice and close now. Homemade ice cream is turning in the ice cream maker, I'm making carrot cake. There's meat and vegetables marinating for shish k bobs and, for this moment, all's right with the world. *Well, except for the whole screwed up my blog design and no winning lottery ticket thingy. ;)

My interview yesterday went really well. She said it's between me and someone else, but that I'm at the very top of her price range. I thought about lowering my price, but it doesn't seem like that would be fair to the people who do think I'm worth that, so I'm holding out and trying to just put it in God's hands.

I've been to the gym 4 days this week and I'm keeping an online food diary.

Life is good.

Anyone have a zucchini bread recipe they love??

Oops!

So, indicative of how things are going right about now, I messed with my blog design and screwed it all up. Good times. Completely lacking the motivation to fix it right now.

Sooo...oops! I'll fix it. Eventually. *sigh*

Two steps forward...

I'm an optimist by nature, but sometimes it's just really, really hard.

I lost a job today. A good job. A job I needed, especially since our family income was just reduced by a third. A third. That's huge. Losing a job was the last thing I could afford, but that's the nature of childcare. The grandmother decided she would watch the little boy...for free. Can't really compete against that, and I obviously wouldn't want to try. This little guy will love being at his grandmother's.

It's just so discouraging. Hard.

Bills loom and honestly, sometimes, I feel like I have no idea how we're going to do everything we need to do.

Two steps forward...the dishwasher is fixed, for significantly less than we would have spent on a new one. I started exercising today, and actually enjoyed it.

Giant steps back.

I have an interview Wednesday morning. If you would, say a prayer for me that I get this job. My family really needs it.

You know the saying 'when a door closes a window opens'. I could really use a huge, shiny, wide-open picture window right about now.

I'm Back

I went away, now I'm back. Literally. Figuratively.

There's been lots going on, and hopefully, eventually, I'll tell you about some of it. Jacob turned 10. (Wow!) We went on a mini-vacation. (Fun!)

For today though, today is about me. I went to the doctor today. I've been dreading it. Really that's not a strong enough word, but since it's about all I can come up with it will have to do. You see, I haven't been feeling well lately, and I assumed my blood pressure was going to be out of control. Surprisingly, pleasantly, it's fine. Big relief. It's not where I'd like it to be, but it's under control and hanging in there, and for now, it's all good. However, I'm feeling like I got a wake up call. My doctor gave me the talk he occasionally gives me about needing to take care of myself first, needing to take care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually, so that I can be there for other people. Like a lot of us career moms, I tend to put myself last. I don't like to say no to the people I care about, I don't like to disappoint, I don't like to put myself first. I need to work on that.

There's a lot changing in my life right now. Too much to talk about, but I guess the biggest change is getting ready for Rebekah to go off to school. Then too, there's Jason and Lori moving to town. Wonderful changes, exciting changes, but change nonetheless, and I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I also feel like it needs to be my time now.

It's going to be tricky for me. I have the rest of the summer off, but in the fall I'm back to work. The last few weeks of summer are filled to the brim with this activity or that, so finding the time to take care of myself is not going to be easy. I'm learning though that it doesn't matter if it's easy or not, I need to do it.

Those of you with young kids, how do you find time to exercise? I swear there already aren't enough hours in the day to clean, do laundry, take the kids to their activities, plan meals, shop for meals, cook meals, go to the pool or other outings, babysit for Jason and Lori...etc., etc. Some of those things are things I have to do, but they also are all things I want to do, because they allow me to take care of my family the way I want. Somehow, I need to learn to do all that and take care of myself too.

I'm struggling with that. Part of it's motivation, part of it is honest-to-goodness time. Part of it is how out of shape I am. I need to lose a lot of weight. For now, my goal is 30 lbs. That won't get me anywhere near my ideal goal, but it would be great. It's enough that I know I would feel better and I believe I would see some health benefits. I've created a food journal, but I know the biggest change I need to make in my life is exercise. I just need to do it.

So...even though it scares me a bit to put this out there, I'm telling you I'm going to find a way to do it. Walking is the best form of exercise for me right now, so I'm going to find a way to walk four times a week. My goal is to exercise 4-5 times a week for the next 6 weeks. Towards the end of August our local community center will be having a personal training special. My goal is to have incorporated exercise into my routine by then and purchase 6 personal training sessions to take myself to the next step--strength training.

Wish me well. I think the hardest part will be remembering that I'm worth it. That it's necessary. That the time spent away from other things is okay.

How do you do it? Is exercise easy for you? Is it a natural part of your day? Got any advice for me?

[Sidebar--There's a medication my doctor could prescribe that might do a better job of controlling my BP than the one I'm currently on. The thing is you have to be 100% certain not to become pregnant while on it, it's absolutely incompatible with pregnancy. I was surprised that I'm not ready to make that commitment. I'm 99% sure we're done having children, we use birth control, but I'm definitely not comfortable saying with 100% certainty that I will not become pregnant. It's definitely been a day of epiphanies.]

This week...

What a week!
Matthew and Lily have been here this week and it's been a lot of fun. In truth, I was a tad bit nervous about it. I definitely should not have been. Matthew's having a wonderful time, playing hard and thoroughly wearing himself out, Lily's doing great. It's the first time we've had Lily for so long, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but she's 100% comfortable and having fun. Very rewarding.

Our backyard's shaping up to be pretty perfect for the kids. Swings? We got 'em. Ditto club houses, slides, and things to climb on. One advantage to having 4 kids over 18 years is that you accumulate things. Yup, not always easy to see that as an advantage, but in our backyard, it's easy.



This house Lily's playing in? Rebekah's birthday present when she turned two.





The jungle gym? Built by Mark 22 years ago. It's survived a move, countless children, and a couple of additions.



Most of our equipment's in great shape, but almost all of it's a good 10-20 years old. I'd say we've gotten our money's worth out of it. :)




This summer we've added the finishing touches on the backyard, a pool big enough for both Jacob and Julianna to play in, and a trampoline. I'd always been against trampolines in the past, I was concerned with someone getting hurt, but there's risk in everything, right? I've done some research, we've instituted rules to minimize the risks, and the exercise that the kids get will be wonderful for them.


I'm not sure how long the pool will last, but for $20 at Target, I was willing to take a chance on it.

Unfortunately, we have had one accident in our backyard. Monday, Jacob was working on writing a list while he was swinging and he fell backward off the swing. All of the Children's Urgent Care's were closed so we were off to the ER. A few stitches later we were back home. He'll be good as new in a couple of weeks, but right now, it's not so fun for him. He's hurting, although I'm hoping that will dissipate soon. The restrictions are what's driving me crazy! He can't shower until Friday. No running around and being crazy, no swimming (and the heat index here is close to 100). His birthday party is Saturday, held at an inflatable, active-like-crazy place, and he starts Cub Scout Camp next week. I've got my fingers crossed for very fast healing.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying the heck out of scenes like these:

breakfast with the crew.

Getting ready for bedtime stories.

In other news, our dishwasher broke last week. After much going back and forth (as in buying a new one and returning it), I decided I really, really love my dishwasher so we're going to have it fixed. Wish me luck on that one. If what we think is wrong with it is really what's wrong with it, it will cost $300 to repair, a little less than halfway to a new comparable model. It's only a few years old, so according to statistics it should have 7-8 years left. It has great ratings on Consumer Reports, so we're gambling that it's worth putting the money into. I'm fairly certain we're doing the right thing, but I'll definitely feel a whole lot better this time tomorrow when I'm listening to the sweet sound of my dishes getting clean. :)

Jason and Lori are moving this weekend. Very exciting. I know the next few weeks, maybe even months will be difficult with them as Jason job hunts and they deal with trying to sell a house in another state, but it will be wonderful to have them close by.

All in all, life is definitely feeling good. I hope the same can be said for you.

Fourth of July Meal Plan

This would be so much easier to write if I had any idea what we're going to do this weekend. Do you do that? If I plan a meal for every meal, we'll end up going places and missing meals, thus leaving the food to go to waste. If I don't plan and shop for meals, we'll end up going out for meals we can't afford and don't really want. Things are also a little complicated by the fact that Jason and Lori are coming for the weekend and I don't know when they'll be here and when they won't. Jason's being a vegetarian makes meals tricky, not knowing when they'll be here makes it hard to plan. I am glad they'll be here though, and will thoroughly enjoy having them here whenever it works out. Then, there's the fact that we're watching Matt & Lily for three or four days next week. Again, not precisely planned, so hard to meal plan for. Ack! I'm definitely someone who likes a plan and being unscheduled and on a budget is hard for me.

Anyhow, here's my plan. Here's hoping it's yummy, easy, and doesn't go to waste. :)

Friday: Grilled pizza
Saturday--we're going off on some adventure. I'll plan on packing lunches to take with us, subs or pb&j.
Saturday dinner--quick and easy in case we're traveling home, also it needs to be freezable in case we end up eating out: brats, meat sticks for J&J, chips, fruit
Sunday lunch--Grilled Chicken Salads, bread
Sunday dinner: picnic on the village green
Monday lunch--Mark has the day off, we may have Matt & Lily: Cheeseburgers, (salmon for Jason?), corn on the cob, watermelon
Monday dinner: BBQ ribs, potato wedges, cornbread, veggies
Tuesday: Asian Chicken wings, fried rice
Wednesday: Mexican Pizza
Thursday--French Toast

So, do you need a plan or are you good at flying by the seat of your pants? Whichever, have a wonderful weekend.

This and that...

Since there's nothing going on right now that warrants its own post, I decided to just do a mish-mash update. Mish-mash perfectly describes life right now. :)

• Julianna and Jacob finished their swimming lessons. They both did great. Julianna was in Level 3, although I think she really could have passed Level 3 last year. She passed this year and is now in Level 4...the level Jacob's in. Jacob did a great job too, but there's much to learn in Level 4 (they learn ever stroke, including butterfly) and 8 days of lessons just isn't enough to learn it in. So, Julianna's in Level 4 and he's in Level 4 and more than a bit mortified. Typically we only do one session of swim lessons a year, so I won't have to deal too much with the drama of that situation until next year.
• We finally ran out of all the sample medications the allergy/asthma specialist gave us and it's time to buy Jacob's meds on our own. The doctor was wonderful when prescribing and completely understood our budget limitations. Instead of the pricey ($100 +) Singulair, we're trying Zyrtec; instead of the $100+ Flovent Discus, he was excited to share with us a prescription discount card for Alvesco. Right on the card it proclaims in large letters that it will reduce your copay to $0. Perfect right? The Flovent would have been very difficult to fit into our budget, I knew $0 might be too good to be true, but the doctor and I both assumed it would be a very affordable medication. See where this is going? Yeah, not so much. We spend two and a half hours at the pharmacy trying to get his medication straightened out. Two and a half hours. That's almost child abuse people. I called before we left to be sure the medication would be ready. Oh yes, I was assured, no problem, and it wasn't, it was ready. The prescription card wouldn't work. Okay, 15 minutes of phone calls later it worked. Oops, the copay was $70.00. Definitely not thrilled with that, but it was loads better than the Flovent so we'll be going...oh wait, this is 15 days. Fifteen days worth is not going to do it, we need 30 or the cost will be really crazy. Well, the pharmacy couldn't give us 30 days without consulting the doctor and it was time for the pharmacy to close for lunch. That's all right, we did some quick shopping and were first in line when the pharmacy opened after lunch thirty minutes later. The pharmacist came up to me and said, "you're not going to believe this." She was right. For 30 days, the copay, with the generous discount card (not), was $207.00. OUCH! Also, not really doable. With Mark's prescriptions, mine, etc., I had no idea where that money would come from. The pharmacist offered to research some alternatives and call the doctor. LONG, oh so long story short, Jacob's back on Discus, and a $100 monthly drug doesn't seem as horrible as it did a month ago. I still can't believe the whole thing took two and a half hours, and I'm not thrilled with the cost, hopefully we'll be able to wean him off the medication eventually. If you have good insurance, be very, very grateful. Our $6000.00 per person deductible, that is our work provided insurance we pay dearly for, sucks. Sorry. I don't like that word, but sometimes it's the perfect word to describe a situation.
• Julianna was very, very sick this weekend. Very sick. Some kind of horrible vomiting virus from hell that fortunately, and knock, knock, knocking on wood, no one else caught. Seriously, she was so ill she passed out Monday morning. I'm very thankful she's mostly all better now, all the vomiting has left her with a horrible sore throat, hopefully that will pass in the next day or two. Not fun, that's for sure.
  
• Jason and Lori are getting closer and closer to moving. I'm going to watch Matt & Lily for them for several days next week so they can pack up more of the house. They'll be moving in the next week or two and I'm very excited to have them close. Lately I feel like I'm questioning many, many of the decisions we've made in our lives, sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing in choosing to have me be home all these many years when I see how precarious our financial picture is. When things are really bad, I try to look at our amazing relationship with Jason and it does make me feel like we did the right thing. I truly don't think he would be the same person or that we would have the same family if I'd been working outside the home all these years.
• I'm still trying desperately to find another child or two to watch in the fall. It's starting to panic me, honestly. I'm putting up fliers, I've tried online sites, I've posted on Facebook. I just can't seem to find anything. Our financial situation changes a lot this month, permanently, and very negatively, and I'm getting worried. Very. If you have any ideas on how to connect, I'd love to hear them. The only people who are responding are not willing to pay the price I charge, some want to pay as much as half of what I charge. I just can't bring myself to lower my price. I provide a quality situation and I deserve to be paid accordingly. Still, college bills are coming and I'd feel a whole lot better if I could find something.
• Photography. *sigh* I've given up on my 365 project. As you know I was taking a photography class and enjoying it very, very much. I enjoyed the actual class, I enjoyed what I was learning; I enjoyed that feeling of doing something just for me, much to my surprise. Unfortunately, the night of my last class Julianna got very sick. Mark had taken her to the pool and she had a big problem there, then they were leaving the pool and she threw up twice. She was crying and upset (obviously), and Mark called me. I had to leave my last class, which I completely understood, it's just what you do as a Mommy, but it was a wee bit frustrating that as soon as I got her showered and cleaned up she was fine. Anyway, missing my class seems to have taken all the wind out of my sails. I got tired of just taking a picture of something, anything, because I realized all of a sudden I didn't have one yet for the day. I'm looking forward to having some time to develop to putting into practice what I learned in the classes I was able to attend, but for now, 365 just wasn't working.
  
• Lastly, I'm trying to figure out what to do this weekend. We want to do something fun, something special. For the first time in a very, very long time we're not going on vacation and it's leaving me wanting to do as much as we can with special weekends. What are you doing this weekend? Any tips on inexpensive but fun places to see and things to do? Preferably within 2-3 hours of Columbus?

Whatever you do, I hope you get to spend it with family. I hope it's relaxing and rewarding and that you have a wonderful time.