Fragments

I am completely, 100% emotionally spent.  It's been that kind of a weekend.

Friday, Jason ended up needing to drive to Illinois after work.  Mark and I weren't thrilled with the idea of him driving all that way by himself, late at night, and offered to take Matt & Lily so Jason & Lori could go together.  They said yes, so we unexpectedly, but very happily, ended up having Matt & Lily here Friday night and Saturday.

Friday night, Julianna had her second audition class for a higher level ballet she's trying to get invited into.  She felt very good about it, to me, she looked tired.  T.I.R.E.D.   Much more tired than last week.  I don't think there's really a chance in the world that she will be deemed ready for the higher level.  It makes me a bit sad, but realistically almost all of the other girls trying out are older than she is, some significantly.  If she makes it I'll over over-the-moon thrilled for her, but if not, next year she'll bump up to two ballet classes a week and I bet she'll be in much better shape a year from now when she tries again.

Saturday morning, I drove down to OU and picked up Rebekah.  It was really nice to have her home, even just for a quick visit, she had to go back today.

Saturday afternoon we mainly just were at the house with the kids.  Life was good.  :)  Saturday night, I made a great dinner:  steak, baked potatoes, broccolini, plus salmon for Jason.  When your daughter doesn't come home from college all that much, you try to make it worth her while, lol.  The steaks were awesome; the broccolini really popular, again.  Basically, I just put a couple of tablespoonfuls of olive oil in a skillet, add some sliced garlic, and saute the broccolini for 8-10 minutes until it's tender.  Season with kosher salt and pepper; and, at least at our house, prepare to watch your kids fight over it.  Definitely a keeper around here.

The salmon was a recipe I got from Stephanie.   For me, the bourbon was too strong, I am a complete wimp when it comes to liquor.  Mark really liked it, Julianna kept going back for more, Jason refused to eat it because he no longer eats fish or meat or chicken or pork.  *sigh*  A little frustrating.  He doesn't like, and I don't like, to just serve him side dishes, but I only have a few things in my repertoire that work well for all of us for meals that are completely vegetarian.  I like having him to dinner, I just wish he would expand what he'll eat.  It's okay though, he's worth it.

Unfortunately, Saturday night, Julianna started complaining like crazy of her neck hurting.  She was complaining of a sore throat as well.  Sunday morning when she woke up she was still really complaining about her neck and she was definitely sicker than she had been Saturday night.  I worriedly called her doctor, which worried him, because, as he said, I'm not an alarmist.  Fortunately after I talked to him I did feel better, even though his first reaction was that we should take her to urgent care.  Again, he was reacting to the fact that I almost never worry like that about my kids.  Usually I'm pretty calm when they're sick.  However, after talking with him about the likelihood of meningitis, I decided to take the wait and see approach.  I am so tired of weighing every health care decision from a money perspective.  I know, I'm sure there are many of you who think that's great, but it feels awful.  I hate constantly weighing cost vs. risk on every medical decision.  Having a $6000 per person deductible is a very stressful reality to live with.  I hate canceling doctor's appointments because $500 for the appointment is just not possible.  I resent not scheduling PT for my child because, again, $300 per session is not something we can do.  I don't know what the answers are, but I know I don't like this one bit.

 Mark ended up driving Rebekah back to OU, I was surprised at how emotional I was when she left.  I miss her.  It was wonderful having her home, I'm looking forward to having her home again in a few weeks for spring break.  I wish I could afford to take a day off when she's here, but it's not looking like that's a realistic possibility, I hope (and know) she understands that it's not a case of not putting her first, it's just a financial reality.  Lately, money seems to be whooshing out and down the drain.

Tonight, I finished reading Bridge to Terabithia to Jacob and Julianna.  It left me completely emotionally wiped out.  I'm sure I didn't help Jacob and Julianna deal with it by sobbing through the last 3 chapters.  Do I wish we'd never read it?  I'm not sure.  It's an extremely well-written book, the emotions she described hit me full force and brought back a lot of the painful emotions I experienced when my brother died 29 years ago.  Didn't really see that coming.  It's a very good book, but it's a very painful book to read.  It very much upset Jacob.  He completely identified with it, and loved it, and to have a main character who was so well loved, die, is difficult.  Julianna was also upset, but for her, I think it was more upsetting to see me having such an emotional reaction to it.  I'm glad (?) we read it, but I'm very glad it's over and I'm looking forward to doing a lot more light reading in the foreseeable future.  Have a fun chapter book you love that we should read?  We've read lots, the Fudge series, Ramona, Laura Ingalls, Mr. Popper, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, Winnie the Pooh, Callie Woodlawn, and many, many, many more that I'm not mentioning, but if you can think of something enjoyable you think I've overlooked, I'd love the tip. I need some inspiration!

So...let's recap...I'm missing my oldest girl, slightly worried about and nursing my youngest girl, emotionally spent from a children's book, resenting our healthcare system, hoping the money drain stops soon...did I capture it all?  There's more, of course, there always is in our lives, isn't there?  No matter how we might try, and honestly I'm not sure that I do try, it's impossible to fully capture the reality of our lives on our blogs.  I think I'm going to go do my best to just *chill* tonight, to unwind, to breathe, to focus on the many, many good things and turn over to God the not so good things.

Thanks for listening!