This post has been percolating around in my head for a while. Honestly, it scares me to write it. Will I be able to communicate what I really want to say? Will you be receptive to it? Will you hear me, or will your personal bias (whatever that may be) make that impossible? Is it relevant? Do I rough draft and edit, edit, edit; or do I write it once and push publish? I know, but I admit I don't quite understand, that this will anger some people. It's not socially acceptable to say some of the things I'm going to say. I guess my answer to that is that this is my truth. It's not the truth of everyone, no truth is. Just like every other statistic, there are real people behind statistics, with stories of their own. I'm not claiming my experience is like any others', that's not what this is about. I will say though, that there are a lot more happily ever afters that most people realize. You probably know several people, at least casually, that started on their road to parenthood much younger than you realize. The thing is, when they look like every other family that you know, you just have no idea.
Yeah, you might say I've been thinking about this one.
Mike, from The Spohrs are Multiplying, finally gave me the push I needed to just write something. To try and say what's in my heart. Recently he wrote about teen pregnancy, and honestly, it made me sad. Comments like, It’s heartbreaking to watch things turn out so poorly for these kids, but really, what other outcome could there be? (Seriously…has anyone ever known anyone get pregnant that young and have things work out?), have followed me my whole adult life.
Yes, I do know someone who got pregnant young (17), and had things work out. Me. I got pregnant at 17, my freshman year of college. Mark was 19. We chose to get married, we chose to become parents. We were, and are, very, very happy.
Yes, we had a lot of financial help from our families, something we were both extremely grateful for and I know it made our first few years a lot easier, but I also know we would have been all right either way. I like to think things did not turn out poorly for our child. I guess he's the best judge of that, but what I know is that we raised a loving, self-confident, successful adult. He has a loving relationship with us, with his siblings, with his wife, with his children, with his grandparents. He went to college, both undergrad and grad school and did exceedingly well. We never had complaints about his behavior in school, he got excellent grades, he participated in extra-curriculars, he's successfully employed, what else could there be? I think we did all right by him.
This is the part where I'm supposed to say it was hard. I wish we hadn't started out that way. I missed out on so much. I regret the way things happened. (I'm sure I'll get to it, but I want to clarify, loudly, I don't regret one thing about having our son. Not one.)
It was hard. The thing is, it wasn't hard. (Boy, does it make some people angry when you say that.) I don't know why, but it wasn't. My brother died when I was 15. My parents were, understandably, lost in their grief. We had a lot of other really hard things going on in our family. I think all of it contributed to me growing up fast. I was much older at 17 than most 17 year olds. Maybe that was one reason it wasn't hard. (I know, I can see some of you shaking your heads, thinking I'm either not being honest with myself, or with you, but it wasn't hard, truly.) Mark and I took to parenting very, very easily. We were blessed with good instincts, I'd say we had an easy baby, but honestly I think we had a lot to do with that. Maybe we were too young to know any better, but whatever the reason, we enjoyed every minute of our new life together.
For the record, it wasn't not hard (sorry for the awkwardness), because we were palming him off on other people. Jason's first sleepover was the night Rebekah was born, when he was almost 8 years old. We very rarely utilized a babysitter. My parents, again in part because of their grief, would have easily completely taken him over, we were not willing to allow that to happen. We were his parents, and we were happy to be there 24/7.
I wish it hadn't started out that way. or I regret the way things happened. I'll admit, this one's complicated. The thing is, if it hadn't started out that way, what else would have changed? I have no regrets for the same reason. You can't look back and pick and choose what's the same, what's different. There are times I've wished it hadn't taken me 8 years in between each of our children to have another, but what would that have changed? Would we not have had 4? Who knows? I look back at my life and I truly have no regrets. I love our 4 children and the relationships we have with each of them and that they have with each other. I have no idea how changing one thing would have changed another. There was a time in our life we were told we would never have more than one child. Above all, I am just significantly thankful for everything we have. No one ever has to become a mother at any point in their lives. Yes, we might get pregnant, but there are choices. I chose to become a mother four times in my life. I'm extremely thankful four times I was given that chance, that choice; and I'm very thankful that I said yes to the choice four times.
I missed out on so much. I don't think so. What did I miss out on? College? Yes, but not because of Jason. Plenty of people have babies and go to school. I could have, I chose not to. Going out and club hopping? No thank you. I had a taste of that, younger than I should have, but it still let me know it wasn't for me. I had an up-close, front seat to what drugs and alcohol do to people, and had no desire to do the party scene. A career? Hard for some people to understand, let alone swallow, but I had a career, the only one I ever really wanted, being a mom, making a home. A long time ago, our Pastor preached a sermon about finding what our purpose in life was. I was so filled with peace sitting there listening. I knew, in my heart, and still do, that my purpose in life was to be a mother and create a home. It gives me profound joy and I think I'm at least usually good at it. I'm proud of the people we're raising and I think they will be a positive contribution to our world. For me, it's the most fulfilling, wonderful thing I could be doing with my life. I see so many mothers around me struggling with their identity, some even resenting at times their children, or at least their role as a mother. I have never struggled with those feelings. I know, and am blessed to know, that my role in life was to make a home and fill it with love. I'm better at that some days than others, like anyone else, but on the whole, I think I do a fairly good job. I'm blessed not to wonder about the roads not taken, the other side of the fence.
I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that the truth is teen pregnancy is not always a harbinger of doom and gloom. There are success stories, plenty of them. Would I want a child of mine to become a teen parent? Of course not, but I have the wisdom and the experience to know that if they did, they could certainly have their own happily ever after story. Success in parenting, as in any other facet of life,is dependent on a variety of factors. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a nice, tidy, checklist you could go down that would assure you success and happiness? As you know, it doesn't exist.
Why I am I bothering to say any of this? I guess I'm tired of the pre-conceived, negative connotations people have about becoming a parent at a young age. Shows like Teen Mom, Pregnant at whatever, etc., do not help. Let's face it, my life would make a pretty boring reality show. If your child ever comes to you and tells you they're pregnant, or they're going to be a father, take a deep breath, and pause. Know that it's not automatically a catastrophe. There are happily ever after stories. I know. I was lucky enough to be part of one.
Oh, one more thing, if your child does ever come to you with this news? Seriously, Pause. Think. Whatever you say, however you handle it, will be with both of you the rest of your lives.
I have 1 husband and 4 kids, 28, 20, 11 and 9...I'll be doing the mom thing forever, hence 4evermom.
19 comments:
Great post!
I have had several students become pregnant, and am proud of the mothers they have become.
Thank you for speaking out about this. (Or writing. Whatever.) It SO depends on the teen, don't you think? I admit I've only seen Teen Mom once, and no one I saw on that show seemed to be at all ready to parent. (I also know enough about TV to know they could have been edited in any way to make them look that way, but whatever.)
It's a different but similar situation: our 18 year old niece up and got married without telling or asking anyone. It seemed so out of character for her and we were all upset at first and then I started thinking about it, and other than robbing us of the traditional trappings of a wedding (showers and dresses and parties)--what's the problem? If my husband had been in love with me at that age--I'd already been in love with him for four years and knew he's who I wanted to spend my life with--I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I would have also told my mother, but I would have gone. Period. She's in college, doesn't care about partying, is responsible, and they clearly adore each other and have known each other for years. I hope it means they can get to their 60th anniversary.
You too. :)
"No one ever has to become a mother at any point in their lives. Yes, we might get pregnant, but there are choices. I chose to become a mother four times in my life. I'm extremely thankful I was given that chance, that choice; and I'm very thankful that I said yes to the choice four times."
I really love how you put this.
Well here's a truth that might make you cringe: there's a little part if me that kept hoping my son would come tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. Not the pyscho girlfriend, the one we love and have welcomed into our family.
So, knowing that twisted part of my brain, you know I would never judge you or anyone else for things that happened to make you who you are today.
S, you have it so together as a parent, I have no doubt that that is your God-given purpose in this life. None what so ever.
I got pregnant at 24. A decent age for most, but I'm betting I was YEARS behind your 17 in maturity. 17 is just a number and how awesome is it that your kids have a hip, young mom????
This is a lovely post, and your children are obviously so lucky to have you and your husband as their parents.
This was an outstanding post! There is a couple that graduated with OS who were parents when they graduated from high school. They chose to get married, and, 4 years later, are still married and had another baby within the past year. I can't imagine having one of my boys going through that: I've had many talks with them about being a parent before they're maturationally (is that a word?) ready. Heck, I was 24 when I had OS, and I still wonder if I was truly ready to have him!
Thank you for sharing your story!
Wonderful post.
Your kids are so lucky to have you, no matter what age you were when you started out.
I do think it depends on the teenager and the teenager's parents and the whole situation. Clearly you were mature beyond your years. It turned out just as it should have.
I think shows like Teen Mom are meant to try and curb the sexual promiscuity that is running rampant in teens these days. I get it. And I think the majority of teen moms really do struggle a lot (the ones I know really did), but you are clearly in a different category. And it certainly is nice to hear of the success stories too.
Great post! :)
Well said. I do agree that I wouldn't WANT my child to announce they are going to become a mum or a dad whilst still in their teens, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if it did happen. And when you stop and think about it, who is really 'ready' to become a parent at ANY age? I don't think anything can prepare a person for that life-changing reality.
Beautiful post!!! I hope that if one of my children ever comes to me with news that he/she will be a teen parent, I can remember your words (I already know we would do everything we could to help them).
As for your being a mom as a career....I used to have a bumper sticker that said, "Mothering, a proud profession".
I think that you WERE meant to be a mom ... and were obviously ready to become a mom at that particular time because look at where you are right now?
Obviously statistics say / show that those who do get pregnant early on don't usually have the same outcome that you did ... where the parents get married, STAY married, have "normal" kid, and live happily ever after.
YOU know this topic far better than most ... and it's posts like this that people should be reading ... It's very easy for them to throw stones when they're not living in a glass house.
I think you hit the nail on the head with your post and above all, should be so very proud of the mother you've turned out to be ... and of the kids / family you're raising.
I have been reading your blog for a long time now. I have come to consider you a true friend and in some ways a mentor. My story is so similar to yours and i hope in the end i can say it has turned out (in the long run) like your story.
I was 18 when i got pregnant and married. I like you was very mature for my age. My mom died when i was 15 and it forced me to grow up fast. I have now been married for almost 7 very blessed years, and have 3 very amazing children.
Unlike you, it has been hard for us. Finacially we have always been on the rocks as i have choosen to stay home and raise our kids and working on one income is always hard. We have had our ups and downs. We have a lot of support from his family but not so much from mine.
Like you i have never relied on other to raise my kids. I rarly get a break unless i choose to take one. But i am blessed beyond anything else to be where i am.
Thank you for writing this. I could never have put it this well. I can only pray that i am doing half as good a job as you are and that my kids will turn out as wonderfully as yours have.
I found your blog through The Spohr's blog and I am reluctant to comment bc teen pregnancy seems to be such a touchy subject. I think your post was beautifully written. However, I can't relate to most of it. I say most of it bc I LOVE my kids and I LOVE being a mom. But it wasn't easy. I got pregnant at 18, had my son at 19 and my sons father pretty much choose his friends over me and the baby. I had some emotional support from my mom but she passed away when my son was one. So I had very little help. IT WAS HARD... I worked my butt off to support my son and made the best of my situation. So do I regret it, no way. Was it hard, absoutley.
Wow! Waht a testimony! I was thinking sort of along the same lines this afternoon about how easliy or often others pawn their kids off on whoever and run to teh store or clean house. We have never had that luxury and I don't regret not having it one bit! My kids have gone everywhere with me and we have made soem awesome memories because of that. I have two girls, so I have definately wondered what I would say if one was pregnant. First. I would hope they felt like they could tell me. We talk about alot, so I hope they would be comfortable. Second, i would tell them I love them adn the baby. Period. And the I would tell them their dad and I would help in any way. No. our lives don't always turn out the way we plan, but they do turn out. God's incontrol. I just have to remind myself that he will lead me step by step, not mile by mile! Thank you for your post and reminding how iportant it is to keep communicating with my daughters!
I was an "almost" teen mom. my oldest was born when I was just on the other side of 20. But when I was 19 and pregnant and a sophomore in college and the father decided that he wasn't ready to be a family? yikes.... I don't feel those feelings very often, but what a scary place that was. But, here I am, well past 20 and looking at 40. And my husband adopted my daughter when we married when she was 4 1/2. And we have 2 more kids, and a very blessed life. and I would have never imagined that I could be here. But, I am.
I can say, that so many girls in that situation would not be as lucky as I was to have such a great family, who even though they were heartbroken, did everything in their power to support me and my daughter.
Who knows what other teen moms could be, if given that same support and love.
thanks so much for writing this.
I enjoyed you post. It was spoken from the heart. Your happily ever after would have happened, no matter what your age.
I enjoyed this post so much! I followed you from the Spohr's, and I have to say- I couldn't disagree more with some of the comments there! There CAN be success stories like yours. My mother-in-law got married when she was fifteen and my father-in-law was nineteen. They had three children and were married until his death at age 62. She was a stay at home mom and he made a modest living, but I've never once heard her say that it was too hard or that she regretted a moment.
I was twenty when I got pregnant with my son. Sure, not a teenager, but I was young. Maybe, like you, I was old for my age. I had a full-time job when I was sixteen and was working at the same place [still am]. My husband had a similar timeline going. So did my husband go to night school and graduate college? Yes. Did we have our two cars completely paid for? Yes. A savings account? Yes. A 4bd house with plenty of room? Yes. Do we put our son in daycare? No, we alternate our schedules so we both have time with him. Are we considering another child a little over a year after our first? YES.
Do I want my son to father a child at sixteen? Does it matter? It's not up to me if he does or doesn't, ultimately. What I want is not going to be a factor when he's experimenting with something new. The best I can do is try and help him become a good, hardworking person that values his relationships. I feel like we were/are that kind of people and that's why we succeeded.
thanks for sharing this post and something that I'm sure is very personal for you. I'm glad you wrote it - I'm sure it was meant for someone to read and get another view, to show that things aren't always doom and gloom and can work out! My mom married at 18 and had me at 19 (ok my parents are divorced now, but still) I think they did alright the years they were together raising me (and my brother who came along 2 yrs later).
I always wondered about the age spread with your children?? BLESS YOU!! I had my children late in my life . . . it was better for me - I am in a better place now. I don't think I would have made a good mom at a young age. You are wonderful!
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