We had a perfectly lovely weekend, I hope you did as well. I want to recap it, and I will, but right now I have something swirling around in my head that just won't go away...something we're struggling with and I'm sure others will as well, at one time or another.
You cannot not know that the incidence of all kinds of syndromes and disorders is growing, some say exponentially. It will, of course, impact everyone in some way and definitely that impact will be positive at times. Unfortunately, that impact will also be negative and that is what I'm struggling with right now.
I was able to join Julianna in a group activity this weekend that involved staying overnight at our local zoo. I was able to sit back and watch interactions of the group and I learned a tremendous amount. There is a child that is part of the group that I'm guessing has some kind of a "problem". I put it in quotes because I'm sure that it's an identifiable issue, I just have no idea what it is and I don't need to know. Not my concern. The thing is, the way it impacts my daughter, is my concern. This little girl is very difficult to be around. She perpetually is disgruntled. Everything is unfair. Everything is negative. Everyone is out to get her. She lashes out, physically and verbally, in a very loud, combative fashion. Julianna had complained to me and told me about situations in school, but I had always shrugged them off (*cringe*), assuming it was being exaggerated, or that it wasn't so one sided, or whatever. This weekend definitely showed me that was not the case. There were times it was pretty unpleasant. At school this child tends to lash out physically and that did not happen this weekend, but the angry yelling and complaining were not pleasant either. One of the adults shared that meetings are difficult because they feel like 90% of their time/attention is spent trying to deal with/diffuse this one child. They feel sad because they want to include this child, yet the reality of doing that is daunting.
I must say I came away from the weekend feeling a little ashamed of myself. I should have listened more, I should have trusted what Julianna was telling me all along. I should have listened. I should have acted. Fortunately, it wasn't entirely too late. I did decide that my child, who for some reason gets a lot of the brunt of it as this other child has decided my child is her friend, though friend has a different meaning to her; needs a break. I wrote her teacher a long email explaining the situation. Thankfully, her teacher was already on top of it, already aware, it has been handled for next year and I am very relieved for my child, but it leaves me feeling sad too. I wish there was a magic way to tell my child to act that would "fix it". That would protect her from the anger and emotion of this child without completely withdrawing from her. Sadly, I don't have a clue. After months and months of Julianna dealing with it though I'm ready to cry uncle. Enough is enough. I must admit I feel very relieved. Not only that Julianna will get relief but also that Julianna won't be in the classroom that this other child is in, she takes up a tremendous amount of time and energy that the teacher cannot devote to the other children.
A different, though similar situation is brewing in Jacob's life as well. He too belongs to a group that includes a child "with issues". (Quotes are because again, no idea what those are.) These issues though are coming close to ruining the experience for Jacob. This boy gets in his space, shoots him angry looks and tells him things like "you're on my revenge list". Jacob is clueless how to handle it and frankly, so are Mark and I. His mom attends the meetings as well, though she doesn't seem to notice/or interfere. That makes it even more awkward. There are older kids there who have jumped in and intervened sometimes, but again, it's difficult. So hard! It's impossible for Jacob to avoid this child, they're broken up into patrols and they're in the same patrol. Jacob enjoys the other kids in the patrol so he doesn't want to switch. It's really putting a damper on his enjoyment of meetings though and that makes me sad.
Intellectually, I know it's nice for kids with differences and difficulties to be included. I know that my kids are going to need to grow up and be able to deal with all kinds of people. I get that. But where's the line? It seems like we've gotten to the place where "special" has become a license for bad behavior without any discernible consequences. I have no idea how to help my kids deal with kids that threaten them...subtly. Not so subtly as well, when the little girl in Julianna's class gets too angry she'll haul off and hit or kick a child. There doesn't seem to be a lot of consequence to it because she has "issues".
I have no idea what the answers are. I'm just really, really frustrated right now and wanted to put this out there.
Experience? How do you protect your child? How do you teach your child to deal with these situations? I'm lost.
I have 1 husband and 4 kids, 28, 21, 12 and 10... I'll be doing the mom thing forever, hence 4evermom.
8 comments:
I have no advice to give, but Ben had two children like that in his 4K class this year. It was kind of out of control because those two kids took so much of the teacher's energy that I don't think the rest of the kids had as great an experience as they could have.
At the parent/teacher conferences the teachers were telling me that Ben was the only one who could play with and calm on of the kids down. She adored him. And when she would lash out at him he just told her that was nice and walked away. For some reason he could handle her. It was amazing and almost made me cry.
ANYWAY... I don't really know what to do about it either. I just tell Ben to try and stay away from them when they aren't being nice. I always talked to him about the fact that maybe they had problems with their temper or learning that made it really hard on them being in a room full of kids, and that maybe they were overwhelmed. Truthfully, I felt really bad for those two kids (and their parents). Life must be really hard for them. I try to get Ben to be compassionate and trust the teachers to do their best to keep my kids safe. ???
Good luck! I know it is so hard.
I was never confronted to such a situation, my son had always had a very strong personality and nobody has ever bothered him. He is very cool and tolerant to. But this is more than 30 years ago, now we will see how it works with little grandson.
Yah, not to be all voice of doom but one of "those" kids actually ended up being the cause of a local Catholic school canceling an entire class for a school year--too many parents said "If X comes back,my child won't" and only four kids signed up for the grade (including X). I felt for all sides--how must the parents of X feel?! As a Catholic school, you should be open to all--but if things are failing not just one but many so badly...?!
But there are some kids who need a dedicated professional "on" them all the time and even that is not enough.
Good for you for getting Julianna out of her situation for next year (and don't be too hard on yourself for "missing" it, the "drama" of everyday is always hard to evaluate). And I wish I could dispense some great advice because yes--everyone should be included and no, not everyone will be great friends. But we had a similar situation here with a kid on the football team who was emotionally too young, even if his birthday was in the right time. And out of a 90 minute practice, 15-30 min were dealing with him being disruptive-it was very sad.
I wish I knew the right answer here. I keep telling my kids "we don't have to be friends with but we have to be friendly," and that different families have different rules and it's not our place to judge other families' rules.
If I think of anything great I'll share but for now--just commiseration.
That's a tough one! And you know that I'm coming from the other side of the coin who has a child with a diagnosis/difference/disability who wants/is fighting for inclusion. However, we don't have those kind of behavior issues with Kayla so I can't speak on that part exactly.
What I have learned through attending workshops etc is that all behavior, especially negative, is a form of communication. There is something going on that the child is trying to communicate but doesn't know how or hasn't been taught a better, more acceptable way. I wonder if a behavior interventionist is even involved in Julianna's case and if they have a behavior management plan in place for the other student (it doesn't sound like it though). Is their school a Positive Behavior Intervention School?
I read a book recently (From Disability to Possibility) and one of the chapters explained about a boy with autism who had trouble with transitions, new people, new environments. He moved from the self-contained room to an inclusion school and had some issues with kicking people and pulling hair. The author of the book recognized that he was communicating something, but needed further investigating to figure out what.
The student was labeled with having autism, behavior challenges, cognitive challenges, communication challenges and difficult to teach.
They taught him to say "I need a break" when he needed relief from stressful situations instead of pulling hair. There is much more to the chapter, but my comment is already long enough! Bottom line is that with positive behavior intervention and getting to the root of the unwanted behavior they were able to change his behaviors. He had a very successful year and the hair-pulling and kicking stopped. But the teacher wasn't left to deal with it on her own - the consultant did help them develop a plan. If only we all could have access to a consultant like that!
I guess I have no real advice to offer as a parent of a child on the receiving end ... I can imagine it being hard on you and your own kids dealing with someone who has behavior issues like that and isn't getting the help they need. I think it's good you've contacted the teacher and have a plan in place for next year already.
PS I agree that having a diagnosis doesn't mean the child should just get away with anything or have no consequences; *some* allowances can be made but not without trying to also correct the behavior, have consequences and ultimately get to the meaning of the behavior - what the child might be trying to communicate.
I have no advice to share here. Sorry.
I so agere with Michelle! I work with those kids and they are trying to say something. They just don't know how...that being said I will also state the EVERY child has a right to learn....including the normal child. Disabled children do not have the right to make a learning environment unsafe anymore than anyone else. I fully understand that some families (and federal government) feel that disabled children need to be ina leat retrictive environement. However, it should not be at the expense of other children. My advice would be to finish out this year and steer her towards other friendships she will make next year in the new class. As for Jacob, as decision has to be made. Either develop a plan to deal with the other or switch patrols. These students are usually able to be taught proper behavior, but it must be taught to them. They are not always able to pick up on social cues, etc. I have seen kids learn beahvior rules and it amazes me how far they can come when given the instruction and attention they need.
Hi, I really appreciate your sharing and the comments that you received. Michelle presents some great thoughts. My 10 yo son had a difficult class mate last year who just wanted to be friends but went about it in an agressive manner. Alot of what you wrote sounded familiar. This year the child is in a different class and things are better. We spoke to the teacher, they gave him some strategies and we did too. It is hard to work out the every day dramas and let them resolve them themselves and the bigger things that were down confidence or their safety.
Ditto to everything Michelle said.
As the parent of a "special" child, I'm pretty sure that other parents talk behind my back and say, "I really hope THAT kid is not with MY child next year." And you know what? It makes me feel horrible to know that some people really can't stand my child, and for something he has little control over.
Luckily my son rarely lashes out at school (and *never* in a physical way). But he has, and still occasionally does, act in such a way that makes it difficult for other adults and students to be around him. You can't tell he has Asperger's just by looking at him, so it's a rare adult or child who will take the time to get to know him and be truly empathetic to his challenges and quirky behaviors.
The funny thing is, those behaviors are often a result of how "typical" children and adults are treating him, how they might be triggering certain responses and (often strange) coping mechanisms. He's been bullied and made fun of by "typical" children all his life, so is it any wonder that he sometimes hides under his desk or burrows under the bean bag chairs in the corner (which only exacerbates the teasing)?
As the parent of two other "typical" children, however, I fully understand the inherent need and desire to keep them safe. I've gone directly to teachers and school officials numerous times on behalf of *all* my children regarding their safety. I'm in the unique position of understanding what might be going on with that other child and how his/her parents must feel, but it doesn't change the fact the *my* child is my priority.
I think the important lesson to impart to Julianna is that the girl she's having problems with is not "bad," but that there must be something else going on that you don't know about (like what Kat said).
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